What To Do When Holidays Hurt

For most of Izy Obi's life, she celebrated the winter holidays at her family's home, but the death of her mother in 2009 ended that tradition.

Obi, the School of Nursing's graduate school clinical coordinator, will honor her mother this holiday by traveling with her husband and twin sons to a resort in the Shenandoah valley, the last place Obi vacationed with her mother. 

"As soon as we get there, I'll choose the room with a view out over the mountains I think mama would have loved," Obi said. "It's my way of honoring her soul."

Holidays, with their focus on traditions and family, are often challenging times for people mourning the death of a loved one, even if the passing is not recent. 

Consider these strategies for handling grief during the holiday season:  

Give yourself some emotional space. The holiday season carries hidden expectation that joy and love are the only acceptable emotions, said William Holloman, manager of Duke's Unicorn Bereavement Service. "People often say, `I've got to be happy, I've got to be strong for my family,' " he said. "But sadness and tears are a normal part of grieving no matter what time of year it is."

Accept that grief is unpredictable. Grief involves physical, emotional, spiritual and intellectual experiences that may rise in different events, said Patricia Roberts, a counselor for Duke's Personal Assistance Service. "It is okay to want to be with people one moment and by yourself the next," she said. "There's no magic timetable that says you'll get through this by a certain time." 

Choose commitments carefully. Exhaustion often accompanies grief. Holloman suggests alerting family and friends that you may not be up for attending an event or hosting a family meal. "You might have to let something go for now, but it doesn't have to be forever," he said.

Izy Obi

Support colleagues by naming the grief. After the initial loss, grief often gets lost in the shadows of the workplace. "We worry about causing a colleague pain by bringing up a memory, but if the loss is still recent enough for you to remember it, it is a safe bet that your colleague is still thinking about it, too," Holloman said. He suggests acknowledging their loss. "It lets them know they are not alone in their grief."

Don't forget to remember. Obi, the School of Nursing employee, said finding ways to remember someone special helps with healing. "You can remember your loved one in any way you want," she said. "It doesn't have to be significant to anyone else as long as it brings comfort and peace to you."